The Frustrations of Existing as a Never-ending Work In Progress...

Ok, so I just wanted a lofty title...but I decided that I do want to post some of my recent thoughts, rather than just the mundane, daily or weekly "this is what I've been up to" junk...

So I've been excited about life a lot lately...it's continually refreshing to live in Oxford...to be able to turn down another sidestreet I haven't seen yet and come across a building which is new to my eyes but has stood there for hundreds of years beforehand. I also think that living in the Western world's education mecca has renewed my love for learning, though not necessarily in an institutional form (though I have not formed any aggressive opinions against institutional learning either). Not having a job, while stressful on the bank account and food palate, has provided me with ample time for watching films and reading books, and it has been wonderful. Lately, I've really been considering how being a Canadian citizen affects my identity in the world abroad. I've downloaded a lot of music by Leonard Cohen and Bruce Cockburn, and have been going into bookstores, buying a coffee, and reading some more Douglas Coupland and Marshall McLuhan (and then returning it to the shelf when I'm finished for the day because I can't actually afford to buy them). While I realize this is only a tiny cross-section of Canada's culture, these seem to be thinkers/artists who have a pretty good handle on the pulse of Canadian identity. Which is not to say that I've become a fervent proponent of Nationalism at any level, it's just that I'm trying to figure who I am in relationship to the world at large, and understanding the values of Canadians (versus other cultures/nationalities) therefore helps to explain who I am/what I think/why I think that. I absolutely despise the fact that I am the walking cliche who's "taking a couple years to go overseas and find himself," however that wasn't my intention when I left...it's just sorta came about once I got over here...I think it's inevitable to a certain degree. And the more I engage with it, the more I am convinced that one cannot truly have full knowledge of self until they are immersed in another culture for a considerable length of time as an adult, and then take into consideration the impact which this is bound to have. And far be it from me to toot my own horn...hell, I was watching Superbowl highlights given in American English on TV today...this isn't the African bush and I'm hardly the most daring individual, but nevertheless, living in Britain has affected me in a way that I never would have known to be possible before.

Which brings me to my next point, which is what the title is all about. It's loosely related to the paragraph above and I was going to try to weave some sort of link between the two paragraphs but I don't want to take the time to think of a good one so you got this explanation instead. So anyways, like I said I've been really excited about life, but I've become frustrated with my lack of...I don't even know how to put it into words....and actually, that's the whole problem. My lack of input? My lack of production? My lack of creative outlet? Again, I have nothing wrong with learning and learning and learning, and it's not like I'm the smartest person in the world with all kinds of new and original ideas to share, but I would like some sort of outlet to 'publish' my thoughts....that is, aside from my journal and this half-assed website. Ideally it would be through film, but in a practical sense, that is far too costly (both monetarily and chronologically) to do a good job of...so what then? A novel? Short stories? Poetry? Newspaper articles? A screenplay? A play play? I dunno...it could be writing or acting or acting out my writing or whatever...I dunno...just some sort of focus for the chaos that is my mind. And for the record, I'm not soliciting suggestions here...it's something I need to come to/determine for myself, I'm just explaining how...well...I want to explain myself more. I think that part of my hesitation is that I recognize the fact that I am still young and have so much more to learn, but then I get to thinking that it's always going to be like that, and that I will never truly feel like I have enough knowledge to speak authoritatively on anything at all (although maybe I'm wrong). My reason for wanting to get this stuff out is not to have my thoughts (and hence, self) validated by others (although if I'm really honest, that's part of it), but actually my motivation is much more selfish than that. I find that by sharing ideas and actively engaging other people with those ideas feeds me and teaches me so much more than one-way communication, and....blah....I could go on for hours more but this is all so etheral and theoretical and hypothetical and not much practical good at all, but that's another part of the problem...it is all floating around way "up here" and I can't seem to solidfy it very much.

On a final, and totally unrelated note, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again last night and got to thinking how I'd love to marry a girl who was a combination of Kate Winslet's character in that film, Natalie Portman's character in Garden State, and Penelope Cruz's character in Vanilla Sky (erm, personality-wise at least, although it wouldn't hurt if she looked like any of those folks either). But then I got to thinking how those girls don't really exist...in two senses actually. First, they don't exist in the sense that girls who are actually like that in real life are already taken by the time I get to them because others also find them so attractive (again, personality AND appearance-wise) so I don't even get a shot (this is more of a general rule than an absolute...it's really just based on the experience(s) I've had so far), and secondly, they also don't exist in the sense that each of them are simply fictional characters, who are most likely just the personified exaggeration of the idealistic partner of each individual writer. This then led me to wonder how much of what I'm looking for in a potential mate is of my own creation and how much is really just a re-appropriation of what Hollywood has been feeding me with over the years? I mean, I've only ever had 2 girlfriends in my lifetime, and I wouldn't consider either of them 'proper' relationships, at least as I would currently define such a thing, so what do I really know about what I want? I thought I had a pretty good handle on it, and maybe I do, but lately I've really been questioning that. I suppose that I could find comfort in the advice that "God has someone made just for you, and you will find her when the time is right," but, for reasons I don't want to get into here, I'm pretty sure that's bullshit. So I guess there's no real way to find out how much I really am sure about what I want without dating other people, but that's not an activity which I take lightly...so really, these thoughts are just an exercise to pass the time until something actually happens. Which I suppose could be said about everything I've written above, but there you have it, a snapshot into my current mindset.